Everything Wrong With The Dark Knight Rises

I've decided to make what I'm sure will be the first of many posts on this much-anticipated movie a kind of list of reactions. Which are in no particular order. Make of it what you will:

SPOILERS AHEAD

 

1. Pacing.
2. Tone.
3. Maniacal supervillanry.
4. Doomsday devices.
5. Uncompelling action sequences.
6. A much, much too brief "re-training" period for Bruce. (Screen-time, I mean. 3 months in a few minutes? Cue sit-up montage.)
7. A much, much too brief parallel "under seige" period for Gotham.
8. Lucius Fox and Commissioner Gordon are side-lined.
9. "Get the President on the line," etc.
10. The old "fly away from the city, detonating the bomb and sacrificing yourself" trope (or should I say cliché) already used once this year by Avengers.
11. A half-assed romance with Miranda Tate that means nothing and goes nowhere.
12. "The Bat." That's a big one.
13. Political commentary.
14. Camp.
15. Cat-woman's goggle, ear, things.
16. Yet again, Bane is really just a tool.
17. Batman having gone into retirement period. Batman doesn't retire for 8 years, no matter how good it is. Come on.
18. No redemption for Gordon.
19. The trivialization of Alfred's mourning.
20. Alfred pretty much just showing up a couple of times to have rushed conversations that culminate in him saying something profound and insightful and then walking away dramatically.
21. The Bat Cave? Meh.
22. Everything, I mean everything about the ending.

Right after The Dark Knight came out I said that Christopher Nolan is gonna do another one, and it's going to be too huge, have nine million villains, in other words, fall into all the same "traps" the third installments in superhero series are famously plagued with. But for Nolan these wouldn't be traps. He would manage to unite it all into one cohesive story which hit at the heart of Batman and morality and all that stuff we love Nolan for.

The verdict? Nope. He couldn't do it. Pretty good effort I have to say. Not fundamentally flawed, I don't think, just poorly executed. Most of all I think it's pretty clear that Nolan didn't really wanna make this movie.

Why The Hunger Games Is Dangerous

Full disclosure, I haven't read the books. As such, this isn't a review of the books, or a comparison between the two, or a review of the movie insofar as it is an adaptation. This is a review of the movie, as a movie, for what it is in itself.

Here be spoilers.

In The Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen (whose character, incidentally, bears a striking resemblance to Loretta Lynn as portrayed in Coal Miner's Daughter) is a young woman in a poor, outlying district of a dystopian, fascistic future American society. When she was younger, her father died in a mining accident. Her mother was unable to cope with the loss and all but shut down, leaving Katniss to do most of the providing for the family. Things are so bad this includes hunting for wild game so the family can have enough to eat. Even squirrels.

We are told as the film opens that years before the people had risen up against the government. When the rebellion was suppressed, the Hunger Games were introduced as "penance" for the people's crimes. Every year, each of the 12 districts would put forward two "tributes," one boy and one girl, between the ages of 12 and 18. They are given over into the custody of the government, after which they are pitted against the tributes from the other districts in a fight to the death. The winning district receives not only glory, but food. Perhaps even enough food for everyone to eat relatively well for the rest of that year.

It soon becomes clear that these games serve much the same purpose as the gladiatorial contests of Ancient Rome did, namely, quelling uprising, though they go about it in a slightly different way. They both provide a similar catharsis for the people's violent tendencies, but where the Roman games were a kind of State propaganda, continually reminding the people of the State's ability to conquer against adversity and protect them from harm, the Hunger Games remind the people of the State's superiority over its own subjects. Interestingly, as the President (Donald Sutherland) suggests, they also provide the people with something to hope for. There is a realistic goal. Even though the more wealthy districts train their own tributes, one of which wins almost every year, any district can win in theory, and every one has before. If they do win, their hope is rewarded, but only until next year's games. If they lose, their hope for a better life has been quashed for another year, preventing rebellion.

When Katniss' little sister is selected as tribute against all odds, Katniss volunteers, taking her place. After being whisked away from her family she travels to the capital with her male counterpart Peeta in the lap of luxury. Upon arrival her training commences amidst a series of pageants and public appearances glorifying the event. All the while she begins to befriend Peeta against her better instincts. After all, in the end she'll have to kill him along with all the others in order to win. They are provided with a Mentor for their training, a former victor from their own district, in this case the drunk but devoted Haymitch (Woody Harrelson). It turns out that the most important factor in a victory is the ability to win sponsors who are able to provide you with much-needed supplies in-game.

Immediately the District 12 team begins attempting to capitalize on the notoriety Katniss has already won by volunteering in place of her sister. They appear in public for the first time wearing flaming suits, representative of their district's coal production. Later Peeta confesses on live television to having held an unrequited crush on Katniss for some time, Katniss is furious until Haymitch explains that they can play up the "star-crossed lovers" aspect in the media, thus setting them apart, winning them popularity, and earning them sponsors. Later, Haymitch instructs her explicitly to do what she can to sell the image he will attempt to create from the outside.

The night before the games begin neither can sleep. Peeta admits that he wishes there was some way that he could refuse to play the Capital's game, teach them that they don't own everyone, that they don't call all the shots. It is clear that the only way to accomplish such a thing would be to commit suicide, thus robbing the Gamemakers of their legal prerogative to sacrifice him "for the good of the nation." Katniss replies that she "can't afford to think like that," meaning she has a family to go home to, a little sister and mother to take care of. She doesn't have the luxury of thinking up ways to stick it to the Man; she must win, for her family first, and her district second.

As the games begin, we discover that Peeta was in fact given a kind of "way out." It has been obvious from the beginning that he has no real chance of victory. Katniss is the front-runner, or at least, the front-runner for the distinction of being the underdog against the well-trained and lethal "career" tributes. As such, it seems that he was instructed that his job was to keep Katniss alive, which, of course, he was more than willing to do, first, so that somebody from District 12 can win and its people eat well for a year and, second, out of love for her.

As the game progresses, the two grow even closer together, and Katniss begins to follow Haymitch's advice about embracing the "star-crossed lovers" ploy. It is clear that she is conflicted about doing this, but it is also clear that she has some kind of interest in Peeta. Nevertheless, she is obviously feigning most of the romantic aspect for the viewers' benefit. About midway through the games this leads to an announcement that the Gamemakers have made a rule change allowing two tributes to win together if they are from the same district. Immediately Katniss seeks out Peeta, finding him severely wounded, proceeding to nurse him back to health. In the end, it comes down to Katniss and Peeta versus one of the career tributes who is dispatched by an arrow to the hand and, quite literally, thrown to the wolves.

Just then, when they think they've won, another announcement is made that the prior rule change has been rescinded and the two "star-crossed lovers" must now fight each other in a theatrical final battle. Peeta asks Katniss to kill him, but Katniss produces a handful of poisonous berries and embraces Peeta's earlier idea. They each take some of the berries and prepare for their romantic suicide pact. They count to three, and just as they are about to eat the voice comes over the loudspeaker again and declares them the joint winners rather than allow them to disgrace the Government in this way.

And now we come to the heart of the potential problem with this movie. All appearances are that Katniss and Peeta have fallen so completely in love with one another that they can't bear to be without one another. Later Katniss says this very thing in an post-game interview. Faced with that painful possibility they would rather commit suicide, sticking it to the Man in the process, showing the powers that be that true love conquers all and what have you.

Is this the message we should be sending our children? Should we be telling them that, when life gets rough, it's better to die or to have never lived than to have to live in pain and suffering? That suicide is ever the right answer? To be sure they are presented with an awful, awful situation no one should ever have to face, but can one justify suicide even in such an extreme circumstance? Or should they just allow themselves to be killed by the Gamemakers in retribution for their refusal to comply?

I would argue that, in fact, what appears to be happening in this scene is misleading. First of all, Katniss isn't really in love with Peeta. She has definitely developed a kind of affection for him, but she is no Juliet to his Romeo. All the evidence presented to us in the film is that Katniss has one goal in mind: get home to her family. In the earlier scene where Peeta had first brought up his idea about committing suicide, Katniss' response was firm and straightforward: "I can't afford to think like that." In other words, "That's an interesting idea, but I've got a family to take care of, and I'm going to do my damndest to make sure that happens, whatever the cost." As far as we can see, she never wavered from this position. All the pageantry, all the romantic business with Peeta is all just her playing the part well so she can see to it she makes it out alive.

The suicide pact with Peeta is just another episode in the charade she's created. That is to say, she wouldn't have actually eaten the berries. She may have pretended to for Peeta's benefit, so that he could at least die "happy," thinking she loved him back. But at the end of the day, whatever her feelings for Peeta were, whatever her feelings toward the Government and the Gamemakers were, her only real conviction was of her need to get home to her mother and sister.

This may bear out in the sequel when she is forced to confront Peeta about her real feelings for him. Unfortunately, right now, this is a rather nuanced observation, and I don't think it will be clear to the average moviegoer. Instead, there will be a great many who are convinced that the suicide pact was the best decision they could have made. There will be a great many who see a film where suicide leads to a good outcome.  More than that, a mutual suicide motivated by romantic idealism! And that's dangerous.

Star Trek (2009) Review

So, some of you have very kindly requested that I continue posting about Star Trek. Well, the next couple of posts I planned on the subject were going to be reviews of the latest in the Trek film series, J.J. Abrams' fantastic 2009 installment.

Unfortunately, RedLetterMedia did all my work for me and there's very little to add. If I think of something, though, I'll post it. For now, enjoy their comprehensive and thought-provoking review that ends up dealing with some very important issues in film.

Magic in Disney's The Lion King

The review of The Lion King over at Decent Films Guide is surprisingly scathing. Along with Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King is so beloved of so many that it takes guts to point out a flaw. While I agree with many of the points in that review, I would give The Lion King a higher grade, and encourage my own kids to watch it, for one simple reason: magic.

No, not "Disney magic," though there is that, I mean Rafiki the Baboon Witch Doctor's magic. "Whaaat?" you're probably saying. "How can a Christian possibly support a movie which suggests the validity of such primitive and satanic practices?" Some of you may remember that when The Lion King was originally released, many Evangelical Christians reacted strongly for that very reason. Disney was in the hands of Satan, pushing, at the very least superstition, and at the worst witchcraft on our children. Of course, the problem only got worse with Pocahontas and The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

We should remember that The Lion King is a story. Stories live in their own worlds. They must abide by the rules of the world they create in order to remain realistic. It would be kind of a strange thing if the first thing we saw at the beginning of the movie was infant Simba being taken to the local parish church for lions to be baptized. In a way, though, by analogy, that's exactly what happens in the opening scene—within the bounds of the pre-Christian world that The Lion King inhabits. Young Simba is annoited with oil on his forehead, presented to the priest in the form of Rafiki, and "baptized" in the light of the Sun for the whole kingdom to see.

It's magical, and rightly so. It is too easy to forget in our day and age what every other culture throughout history other than ours has known without a doubt, that the world is alive and teeming with supernatural activity we usually cannot see. Religion, in all its forms, paganism and Christianity alike, is merely an attempt to get a handle on that invisible, supernatural reality that shapes our lives without us knowing how or why. Of course, Christianity rises above all other attempts because it alone reveals the truth of God completely in Christ. Nevertheless, I appreciate a movie that illustrates the prevalence of the supernatural influences on the world in which we live. That's a lesson I wouldn't trade for anything.

The Star Trek Civil War That Should Have Been, Part Two

When we left off, every eye in the Federation is on the Federation Council chambers where Captain Picard has showed up and given his account of the events in Star Trek: Insurrection. This launches a Federation-wide debate about whether the ends justify the means, about whether the Federation's interests as a whole outweigh those of its constituents. (Sound familiar?)

Out of nowhere, in the midst of the debate, a border planet gets attacked by some no-name alien race, and, in light of the raucous stirred up by Captain Picard's report, the Federation can't get its shit together in time to respond adequately. A bunch of people die before a neighboring planet can gets its own (non-Federation) ships there in time and the planet's governing body get together and decide to send a communiqué to Starfleet Headquarters on Earth announcing their secession. Thanks but no thanks.

Theoretically, every planet in the Federation is sovereign, but would that really hold up if it came down to it? For that matter, the Federation doesn't seem that inclined to follow its own rules lately. Say this border planet was home to some vast cache of resources the Federation couldn't survive long without.

All of a sudden, the issues from Insurrection, those which everybody in the Federation has had just enough time to come down on either side of, are of vast importance. To many, the prospect of a life without the Federation would be nigh unimaginable. How would they possibly be able to defend themselves against the Romulans, the Dominion, or the Borg?

On the other hand, the Federation was founded on a set of principles which many would never betray, no matter what the advantages, nearly primary among these being the sovereignty of its member-planets, and their rights to live according to their own systems of belief and conscience.

The battle lines drawn, it gets interesting to think about what could happen on board the Enterprise. Would everybody back Picard? Suppose in the intervening period Riker had been granted his own command. This ended up happening at the beginning of Star Trek: Nemesis, the movie that actually got made. Riker had turned down his own ship a number of times throughout the series, believing he could make a bigger difference as second-in-command on the Federation's flagship than as captain of some research vessel. He turned out to be right, and finally Starfleet offered him command of the newly-commissioned and state-of-the-art USS Titan.

Probably, like Robert E. Lee, the Federation would try to win Captain Picard over by offering him the top spot, which he would immediately turn down and take up the position in the Secessionist camp, bringing the Enterprise with him. Undoubtedly, he would be kind enough to offer safe transport to all those aboard when the decision was made.

The question is, where would Riker fall? I think, most likely, he would side with the Secessionists. There is the fact that he's spent his entire career living in Picard's shadow, and might not want to continue to do so. Especially considering the Federation might consider givnig him the Fleet Admiralship if he asked for it. He was always a good guy, though, and never resented Picard. The question is, then, when would he pick a side?

My guess is he would waver between one choice and the next as long as he could, siding with the Federation early on. Probably, though, the Federation would want to launch a swift attack on the first planet to secede in an attempt to persuade others not to follow suit. Inevitably, they would react too strongly, though, throwing the planet's leaders in prison as war criminals at least, if not executing them. Riker would witness this and realize the Federation actually has gone off the deep end.

Counselor Troi would, of course, do whatever her husband did, but I bet her planet wouldn't. Worf would, and would himself captain the USS Defiant on Picard's wing. Geordi would, and Picard would surely give him his own command as well. Dr. Crusher would probably side with the Loyalists. If only because it's more interesting, and would give her character something to do, which is rare. The real question mark is Data. You always think you've got Data figured out, and then he surprises you. I'm not sure what Data would do.

Of course, the other cool thing is that this would all happen after Voyager made it back to Earth. My money would be on Janeway siding with the Federation. If not here, then definitely Chakotay, and certainly Tuvok. After all, "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one." The Doctor probably would too, but I'm not sure. Seven of Nine wouldn't. Neither would B'Elanna. I would bet neither Harry Kim nor Tom would either.

Then you've got to think about what the all the different aliens would do. The first thing to realize is that in the last episode of Voyager, Janeway destroyed one of the Borg's trans-warp hubs, making super-fast transport to the Alpha Quadrant impossible. That being said, even though they're probably a 10 year journey away, the Borg have a retaliatory armada on the way. Probably the Klingons would side with the Secessionists. Or maybe they would split themselves.

The Cardassians would side with whoever looked stronger, but they would probably only offer economic and moral support, coming out of a long war themselves. The Romulans would be smarter and wait out the war, seizing the opportunity after it was over to slaughter the weakened winner, though Picard would make every effort to persuade them to support his side. A big selling point would be that, like Tuvok, the Vulcans would all be Loyalists, so they'd probably help out some under the table.

It's fantastic, see? You get to slice up the universe and make them wage war on one another. You mix things up with Voyager crew on Riker's ship and the like. It's great. Plus, there's at least 2 movies there. If not a trilogy.

It's definitely too late to do it now. They should stick with J.J. Abram's awesome new Trek-verse. I'm just saying, the awfulness that is Nemesis didn't have to happen.

The Star Trek Civil War That Should Have Been, Part One

As it came time for Star Trek: The Next Generation to end its run on television, it became clear that there was a market for a new Trek movie featuring the new cast. The writers got together and produced two feature-length scripts. One served as the series finale "All Good Things..." and the other became Star Trek: Generations, and featured Captain Kirk fairly heavily in a "pass the torch" kind of apperance:

Here the two Enterprise captains can be seen making breakfast together. No joke. That happened. But it was fine, I promise. At any rate, Generations was good. Not great, but solid. Kirk dies in it. That happens. Twice actually. Both scenes are fantastic. Top-notch stuff. Befitting Kirk's legacy.

So, Generations does pretty well at the Box Office, netting over $81 million, enough that Paramount wants to do another one. With the torch passed, the obvious choice for the next movie is to revisit Next Gen's most fearsome enemy, the Borg. There were some loose ends to tie up with the whole Picard being assimilated thing. Throw some time travel in there. Always a good combination. Long story short, Star Trek: First Contact is good. Second only to J.J. Abrams' Star Trek, I'd say, which isn't really even a fair comparison in a lot of ways. You should see it:

Told ya. After the success of Generations, the studio felt confident enough to give First Contact a bigger budget, and it paid off, netting over $100 million.

What next? Well, they decided to tone it down a bit for the next movie, opting for something much smaller in scale, much closer to something like an extended episode, and we got Star Trek: Insurrection. It's good. Better than Generations was. More importantly, however, it was called "Insurrection."

Almost unthinkably, Star Trek went completely against its heritage and had Starfleet officers go against the orders of their superiors and take a moral stand. Turns out that, not just some admiral, but the entire Federation council has decided to ignore the rights of a small group of people and re-locate them Trail of Tears-style so everybody in the Federation can have eternal youth. Picard and the rest of the crew don't stand for it and rise up against Starfleet.

So the people in question inhabit a planet in the middle of nowhere, so we don't get an all-out war or anything, and it's very, very disappointing. Consider the following speech by the movie's main villain (played by F. Murray Abraham):

Think about the situation that's been set up at the end of this movie: "The Federation is old." It's beginning to disobey its own rules and finds itself mired in endless bureaucracy. Its flagship captains are being forced to lead all out revolts against their superiors, and their crew are participating without even raising an eyebrow. To borrow an analogy from an episode entitled "The Chase," the Federation has become a corrupt and "bloated empire," overstepping its bounds at every turn, barely able to keep the barbarians from pushing past its legions and sacking the capital (as nearly happened in First Contact).

After Insurrection's mediocre box office performance, it was clear some "new life" needed to be injected into the franchise. Insurrection was about aging, the young rising up to replace the old, and putting the principles of nature before those of technological advancement, which is another way of saying putting justice before utility. This is the perfect set up to do what Marvel Comics did when their universe needed a shake-up: start a Civil War. All the building blocks are there:

An important and influential Captain willing to go rogue in defense of his principles; a loose confederation of (in this case) planets, who will be more than happy to split into factions should they feel their corporate government is too big and slow to protect them from threats, exterior and interior; a hot button issue to push everybody further into their own corners and lessen the likelihood of a compromise being made before somebody overreacts.

The stage is set. Next up: what should have come next.

The Top Ten Star Trek: Voyager Episodes Everyone Should See

At long last I present the actual list of Voyager episodes that will blow your mind. Or at least impress you. You might like them, I guess.

Honorable Mention - Fury

So, Kes... Yikes. Basically, she's the Wesley Crusher of Voyager. Except without the redeeming sweaters. She doesn't do anything but be young and naive and optimistic. There's really no depth at all. Interestingly, though, almost 3 years after leaving the show at the beginning of Season 4, she shows up again without warning. And because her species only lives 9 years, she's super old. Oh, and she's super pissed:

Honorable Mention - Homestead

I've said before that Janeway was a successful captain by running her ship like a family. Part of that meant picking up a few strays who needed a home along the way. One of those was the Talaxian Neelix, who became the ship's cook and later ambassador. In his role as morale officer, early on Neelix made it his personal mission to cure Security Chief Tuvok of his emotionless, Vulcan-y ways, and bothering him severely in the process. Part of this meant getting Tuvok to dance. A few episodes before the Season Finale, Voyager came across a stray colony inhabited by some of Neelix's people, and he decides to stay with them rather than continue the journey toward Earth:

#10 - Someone to Watch Over Me

When Voyager got pulled into the Delta Quadrant, the ship's original doctor died. As such, the newly-invented holographic backup doctor had to take over. Over the years, he goes through a kind of Data-like transition from mere machine (or in this case, computer program) to close to human, and ends up being one of the best and most important parts of the show. One of the big steps in that process was the Doctor's unrequited love for Seven of Nine, which he discovers when he offers his help to the former Borg in honing her social skills:

#9 - Future's End + Relativity

Those infamous Voyager time travel episodes. These are really good, though. In the first, Voyager gets conveniently thrown back to the precise time they happened to be filming that episode. Then they beam down to L.A. The budget's not that big, guys. Sarah Silverman and Ed Begley Jr. costar. The latter plays a Bill Gates-like computer mogul who it turns out has been "inventing" revolutionary new computer technology be stealing it from a crashed Starfleet shuttle from the 29th-century he happened upon while hiking on some hippie vision quest in the 60s. At any rate, that shuttle from from the USS Relativity, which shows up again in a later episode and recruits Seven of Nine's help in changing history for the better. Just solid time travel stuff really.

#8 - Timeless

This was supposed to be Voyager's "City on the Edge of Forever," which is like, the classic episode of The Original Series. It is really good. It has problems, though. The main one being it features Harry Kim and Chakotay's bad acting and shallow characters waaay too prominently. That being said, what a fantastic episode opener:

#7 - Living Witness

Admittedly, the alternate-reality-where-everyone-is-evil deal has been done before. It's still cool, though. This episode features kind of an interesting twist on that idea. Mainly, though, you just get to see everybody go bad:

#6 - Equinox

Of all things, Voyager stumbles upon another Starfleet ship. It's only a small science vessel, though, with a skeleton crew. Turns out they haven't held themselves to as high a standard as Janeway and her crew, who come face-to-face with what they might have resorted to had they not been so lucky.

#5 - Real Life

One of the big steps in that process was when he decided he should have a family. So he makes himself a holographic one. At first, he designs them to be the perfect, Normal Rockwell family. When the Klingon Engineer meets them, she informs him that real people don't get to pick their family, and he agrees to let her tweak the program for more realism. Turns out she does too good a job, and the Doctor has to say goodbye to someone dear.

#4 - The Killing Game + Flesh and Blood

In "The Killing Game," a group of hunter aliens commandeer Voyager and begin using the holodecks to simulate new and interesting environments in which to repeatedly kill the mind-controlled crew. The majority of the episode takes place in World War II-era France, the crew believing they're part of the Resistance, which is a neat change. Of course, Janeway finds a way cut a deal with the aliens and they take the holodeck technology for themselves. A couple of seasons go by and it turns out things didn't work out so well for them. They built a giant holodeck, but the made the hologram prey too smart and they've revolted, stolen a ship, and embarked on a killing spree.

#3 - Endgame

Like Next Gen, one of the big reasons I consider Voyager as a series successful is that it went out well. Besides wrapping it up before it started to go downhill Seinfeld-style, it ended on a big high note with Endgame. Fantastically, the episode opens with Voyager returning home. In a weird twist, it's actually old footage being played on the tenth anniversary of their return, which took 16 more years after the previous episode, suffering gradual losses the whole way. Turns out the aging Admiral Janeway has hatched a plan to travel back in time and bring Voyager home sooner.

#2 - Scorpion

Way back in early Next Gen, when they introduced the Borg, we knew they originated in the Delta Quadrant. When Voyager got thrown there it was only a matter of time before they ran into them and would be forced to traverse Borg Space. This giant season-straddling two-parter is really when Voyager came into its own, as a ship and a show:

#1 - Year of Hell

So, the best episode of Voyager. Guest starring the dad from That 70s Show, who's great by the way. Basically, "Year of Hell" is just Voyager at its best. It's rough and tumble, in fact, it never gets any worse for Janeway and her crew, and that's why it's so good. Everybody (especially Janeway) gets to show off their badassery skills. The episodes cover an entire year of Voyager squaring off against an alien species with temporal weapons, who kidnap Paris and Chakotay. The Doctor has a near breakdown from having to sacrifice two crewmen for the greater good. Janeway gets 3rd-degree burns over 60 percent of her body that the Doctor can't completely repair because systems are so badly damaged. Tuvok goes blind from an explosion saving Seven of Nine. Most of the ship gets straight up destroyed, and they can't keep ahead of the attacks. That's the thing about Voyager, though, as bad as it gets, it's the fact that the crew is a family that gets them through it. That's just about the only thing that's kept everything going this long, and this far from home. (Sorry about the imperfection at the beginning. I don't know what that's about.)

Next up in the Star Trek series: A look at the Starship Enterprise.

UPDATE: Disney Animated Features, Ranked

So, the "Saturday Morning Classics" post is upcoming. In the meantime...

The first thing to do when compiling this list was to break down the movies into three tiers: Tier One being the above average films, Tier Two being the average films, and Tier Three being the below average films. From there, it becomes easier to sort them into specific rankings within the three tiers.

Tier Three:

#36 - Oliver & Company
#35 - Meet the Robinsons

#34 - The Princess and the Frog

#33 - The Great Mouse Detective
#32 - The Emperor's New Groove
#31 - Pocahontas
#30 - The Aristocats

Tier Two:
#29 - The Rescuers
#28 - Hercules
#27 - Fantasia
#26 - Tarzan
#25 - Lady and the Tramp
#24 - The Sword in the Stone
#23 - Alice in Wonderland
#22 - Winnie the Pooh
#21 - The Rescuers Down Under
#20 - Lilo & Stitch
#19 - The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
#18 - The Fox and the Hound
#17 - Robin Hood
#16 - Pinocchio
#15 - Mulan

Tier One:
#14 - Sleeping Beauty
#13 - Cinderella
#12 - Bambi
#11 - Aladdin
#10 - The Jungle Book
#9 - Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
#8 - The Little Mermaid
#7 - Dumbo
#6 - Peter Pan
#5 - Tangled
#4 - 101 Dalmatians
#3 - The Hunchback of Notre Dame
#2 - The Lion King
#1 - Beauty and the Beast

So it's really difficult to put the films into exact order. Without a more thorough investigation into each film, it's hard to say which of two very close in quality is better. I'm not dead set on the exact positions in this list, but it's pretty close, I think.

The following films in the official list of Disney features were unable to be ranked because (1) they're obviously terrible and I haven't gotten around to seeing them as a result, (2) I regrettably haven't seen them yet, or (3) they're really just an extended short film. I'll let you figure out which reason(s) applied: Saludos Amigos, The Three Caballeros, Make Mine Music, Fun and Fancy Free, Melody Time, The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad, The Black Cauldron, Dinosaur, Fantasia 2000, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, Treasure Planet, Brother Bear, Home on the Range, and Chicken Little, and Bolt.

UPDATE: You'll notice the list of excluded films has gotten a bit shorter. Turns out I can't automatically disqualify computer-animated Disney films on account of Tangled deserving its new position at #5 (many Tangled-related posts soon). As a result I've appropriately added Meet the Robinsons, which I had seen previously, near the bottom of the list. I've also rethought a couple of rankings since the original posting, and added Winnie the Pooh in its proper spot having seen it just prior to Tangled. What do you think?

A Just In Time For The DVD Release X-Men: First Class Review

For the above title, read: "I'm too cheap to go see this movie except at the dollar theater."

Here's the deal. There's a lot to like about the new X-Men movie. Mr. Tumnus made a fantastic Professor X. Performance-wise, that is. I don't exactly see the resemblance:

It doesn't even work if we make Tumnus bald...

Maybe if we give Captain Picard Tumnus' rockin' 60s hair...

Nope? Just sayin'.

So there's a lot of good to X-Men: First Class, but I just don't know if all the good outweighs the bad. For example, there's a big problem with sloppiness. There are a couple of scenes where Tumnus' Scottish accent starts to come out. Same with Magneto's Irish accent. Seriously. It would've taken like 5 more minutes to re-record that ADR. Also, Beast's prosthetic make-up is really bad:

The actor can't even make the mouth move right so that it looks like the blue cat-man is talking. It's really kinda pathetic. Harry of Harry and the Hendersons looked better.

Also, Professor X isn't the only character we've seen before whose "young" self doesn't really look like their older counterpart. Except, of course, when they actually brought in the old actors to do pointless cameos. While I'm on the topic. Really? Cameos by Hugh Jackman and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos? Dear, dear, X-Men: First Class. You had so much going for you, but then you allowed yourself to fall into some of the standard "prequel" pitfalls: pointless cameos and kitchy "I think we should call ourselves (dramatic pause for forced thought) the X-Men!" dialogue. When you do that stuff, you cheapen yourself. You make it look like you need to prop yourself up by referencing that other (better?) movie. Show some self-confidence.

There's also the fact that you went back too far. I get that you want to tell the X-Men's origin story. Cool. The problem is, in order to do that you have to go back to a time when there aren't really any links to the stuff we know already. Take a concrete example: Professor X isn't bald or in a wheelchair. In my book, that kinda makes him, you know, not Professor X. Those are pretty life-changing events, no less so for a character. In other words, pre-bald and wheelchair Professor X really isn't Professor X, he's a different character entirely.

It's a lot like Anakin Skywalker and Darth Vader. One of my major complaints about Episode III (underscore "one of") is that the first thing Vader does when he dons the suit once and for all is ask about stupid Padmé. Once he had the suit on and "became" Vader he should have completely done away with that old life. Anakin was the one who loved Padmé. He's not Anakin anymore.

Also, going back so far kind of prevented them from including many recognizable characters. So, Professor X, Mystique, and Magneto. Anybody else? Oh, right, not born yet. So they have to create a basically whole new cast of characters. (Where were they in the original movies, by the way?) These are the ones you pick? Diamond boobs, the devil, and a dragonfly? Come on.

I think I've just decided prequels are always terrible. J.J. Abrams' 2009 Star Trek not being a prequel, but a reboot. You just can't tell a compelling story when you automatically know where everything's going to end up. At best, a prequel makes you go, "Ohhhh." It never makes you care. The first movie did that. That's why you're here to begin with.

Star Wars: Special Special Special Editions

We all remember when in 1997, to build momentum for the upcoming 1999 release of Star Wars: Episode I George Lucas revisited the Original Trilogy, altering and adding certain things he wasn't happy with in the theatrical versions. Using "state of the art" CGI technology, some of the changes Lucas made were arguably justifiable. Most weren't. Most were horrible wastes of time, money, and energy that bastardized characters (I'm looking at you, Greedo shooting first), ruined pacing, and only served to further date the rest of the film by juxtaposing it with "cutting edge" CGI.

Then, in 2004, when it came time to release the Original Trilogy in a definitive DVD boxed set, Lucas did it again. I'm really not sure if shut up in Skywalker Ranch he's completely deaf to the complaints of the vast majority of Star Wars fans, or if he's just so effing pompous and self-absorbed he doesn't care, but somehow, somehow, he thought this would be a good idea:

It still makes me want to vomit. You know, it's not even worth talking about why that's so stupid.

Well, it's time to release the Trilogy on Blu-Ray, and, big surprise, he's at it again:

Yes, now they have eyes. 'Cause that's not creepy at all. I mean, if anything, Lucas has convinced the world he can work miracles as a filmmaker. He can make the Ewoks worse. But wait, there's more...

It's baffling, really. Why change the noise Obi-Wan makes? Why? I demand an explanation. Alright, I've saved the best for last. So, in Episode III, the Darth Vader suit finally gets donned, and the first thing the newly-minted Dark Lord does is ask about his girlfriend? Yeah, the one he seriously flipped out on and choke threw across a room like 5 minutes before? Then, finding out about her death, he yells, "Nooooo!" and it's kind of the worst moment in cinematic history? Well, be prepared to get reacquainted with the chronic diarrhea you suffered for weeks after...

The circle is now complete.

Disney Animated Features, Ranked

So, the "Saturday Morning Classics" post is upcoming. In the meantime...

The first thing to do when compiling this list was to break down the movies into three tiers: Tier One being the above average films, Tier Two being the average films, and Tier Three being the below average films. From there, it becomes easier to sort them into specific rankings within the three tiers.

Tier Three:

#33 - Oliver & Company

#32 - The Princess and the Frog

#31 - The Great Mouse Detective
#30 - The Emperor's New Groove
#29 - Pocahontas
#28 - The Aristocats

Tier Two:
#27 - The Rescuers
#26 - Hercules
#25 - Fantasia
#24 - Tarzan
#23 - Lady and the Tramp
#22 - The Sword in the Stone
#21 - The Rescuers Down Under
#20 - Lilo & Stitch
#19 - Alice in Wonderland
#18 - The Fox and the Hound
#17 - The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
#16 - Robin Hood
#15 - Pinocchio
#14 - Mulan

Tier One:
#13 - Sleeping Beauty
#12 - Bambi
#11 - Cinderella
#10 - Aladdin
#9 - The Jungle Book
#8 - Dumbo
#7 - The Little Mermaid
#6 - Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
#5 - Peter Pan
#4 - 101 Dalmatians
#3 - The Hunchback of Notre Dame
#2 - The Lion King
#1 - Beauty and the Beast

So it's really difficult to put the films into exact order. Without a more thorough investigation into each film, it's hard to say which of two very close in quality is better. I'm not dead set on the exact positions in this list, but it's pretty close, I think.

The following films in the official list of Disney features were unable to be ranked because (1) they're obviously terrible and I haven't gotten around to seeing them as a result, (2) I regrettably haven't seen them yet, (3) they're computer animated, or (4) they're really just an extended short film. I'll let you figure out which reason(s) applied: Saludos Amigos, The Three Caballeros, Make Mine Music, Fun and Fancy Free, Melody Time, The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad, The Black Cauldron, Dinosaur, Fantasia 2000, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, Treasure Planet, Brother Bear, Home on the Range, and Chicken Little, Meet the Robinsons, Bolt, Tangled, and Winnie the Pooh.

UPDATE: See the recent changes.

Flaws In Jim Krueger And Alex Ross’ Justice

In Justice, Lex Luthor and Brainiac team up and devise a plan to defeat the Justice League once and for all, by striking at various members simultaneously. A good premise in theory, but the specifics of their plan turn out to be rather uninspired and poorly calculated, leading to a somewhat convoluted and confusing plot. For example, an exploration into the mayhem that would ensue should a villain or group of villains get hold of Batman’s files was executed fantastically in Tower of Babel. It’s use here comes in at a distant second.

The authors betray a fundamental misunderstanding of Batman as a character. For a start, included in the last pages of each volume is a collection of “Bruce Wayne’s Files from the Batcomputer.” It seems pretty basic Batman to know that Bruce Wayne doesn’t have any files in the Batcomputer. Batman has files in the Batcomputer. Bruce Wayne and Batman are two totally distinct characters, partly for security, partly for the effectiveness of Batman as a crime fighter. Bruce Wayne is a man. Batman must be more than a man; he must be a principle, an idea, as made explicit by Ra’s al Ghul in Chris Nolan’s Batman Begins. He must be more than a man because he must be able to make the kinds of decisions men are not able to make. He must avoid Hector’s mistake, remaining objective, distant, free from the lower concerns of family and friends. For example, as evidenced in The Dark Knight and pointed out by Alfred, Batman must be able to concede casualties in the name of the larger goal—establishing Justice and Peace.

Second, in the introduction, Jim Krueger says explicitly that it was one of his goals “to reinforce the friendship between Batman and Superman.” I agree wholeheartedly with Frank Miller on this issue. Batman and Superman would never, never be friends. I admit that, in their later years as they are presented in Justice, Batman and Superman would have found a way to work amiably with one another, but they would not be friends. This is shown cleverly in the three-part cross-over episode of Superman: The Animated Series “World’s Finest.” Luthor and The Joker team up, so Bruce Wayne finds an excuse to visit Metropolis for a couple of weeks. In that time, he and Lois Lane fall for one another, much to the chagrin of Superman, of course. It’s ironic, but true, that Superman (Clark Kent’s true self) and Bruce Wayne (the façade) would definitely be friends, and Clark Kent and Batman might get along, but never in any other combination.

In addition, Hal Jordan is portrayed as an irresponsible, foolhardy jerk. While he certainly exhibits these characteristics in some measure, they do not hit at the heart of who he is. It could also be argued that these traits fell more and more by the wayside as he grew older and wiser. Presented as he is (somewhat middle aged), they should be mostly absent.

Don’t get me wrong, Doug Braithwaite’s pencils and Alex Ross’ painting are inspired. It’s worth buying just for the art. The characterization of many of the primary and especially secondary players (e.g., Captain Marvel) is first rate. Overall, I’d say Justice is thought-provoking and ranks up there with other great Justice League ventures like Tower of Babel, New Frontier, and Identity Crisis, even though it bears imperfections.

Top Ten Next Gen

In the spirit of recognizing the solid storytelling in Star Trek: The Next Generation, what follows is a list of the 10 episodes everyone should see before they die.

#10 - The Drumhead

Speaking of preachy... This episode epitomizes one of the major elements of the entire show—Picard taking a stand on moral issues in the face of a corrupt bureaucracy. In the later seasons, there’s always this tension in Picard, between the liberal ideas he's adopted as a Starfleet captain and the Traditional values he was brought up with...in France...even though he has a British accent. They don’t ever explain that. Or how such a conservative family could still be around in such an “advanced” society. Anyway.

#9 - The Nth Degree

I know what you’re thinking...

The ninth best Next Generation episode came first.

By far one of the best things about the later seasons of Next Gen was Lieutenant Barclay. Nervous, neurotic, and accident prone make for good ingredients in a lovable character. Wait... Shouldn’t Roddenberry’s "perfect" society have done away with these qualities by genetic engineering and selective breeding? Anyway, in this episode, Barclay accidentally makes himself the smartest, most charismatic person alive.

#8 - Masks

Captain Picard could have been an archaeologist. In this episode, he gets to show off his mad skills. Throughout the course of the ship this alien device gradually converts the Enterprise into a replica of the civilization that built it, including Data. As a result, Brent Spiner gets to play multiple characters, which he does really well (and which happens quite a bit actually, now that I think about it).

#7 - Elementary, Dear Data + Ship in a Bottle

These two episodes (the first from Season Two and the second from Season Six) are basically two halves of the same story. Data and Geordi are messing around on the Holodeck in Season Two, playing Sherlock Holmes, and the computer accidentally creates a holographic version of Holmes' archvillain Moriarty self-aware. Trouble ensues. Just really clever stuff, and a fine adaptation of Holmes to boot.

#6 - The Best of Both Worlds, Parts I & II

By far the most important contribution Next Gen made to the Star Trek universe (aside from the badass-ness that is Captain Picard and Data) was the Borg. A hive mind of cybernetic drones bent on galactic domination. They’re pretty much zombies. Except, if the zombies were super strong cyborgs linked to a central computer that can tell them exactly where you are and how to kill you, based on the knowledge its accumulated over several millenia of turning trillions of other people into zombies. In this season-straddling two-parter, they manage to zombify Captain Picard. How do you defend against an enemy which has just obtained all the knowledge of one of your foremost military commanders?

So, my dad made a good point. It’s a cliffhanger, right? Check it out:

...and that’s it. My dad said that was the only time he checked the TV Guide every week all Summer.

#5 - Cause and Effect

Always in Star Trek (that is, until the travesty that was Star Trek: Enterprise) the coolest episodes involve time travel. They rarely hold up logically, but they're awesome just the same. In this episode the Enterprise gets caught in a time loop. ...Also, Frasier Crane makes a cameo appearance.

#4 - All Good Things...

Isn’t it the worst when good shows just kind of fizzle away, or jump the shark and end on a low note? Thankfully, Next Gen wasn't one of those. Its finale really satisfied. Picard finally sat down at the poker table with the rest of the guys. Plus, it involved time travel.

#3 - Darmok

Now this is just a really, really good episode. One of Trek's biggest cop outs has always been the Universal Translator. Basically it makes everybody speak English. Which is dumb. I mean, even if it like overrided the communications system and simulated them speaking in English over the speakers, they should still be mouthing in their language, right? Anyway, in this episode, it stops working—rather, it can't translate these guys' language. So they've gotta figure it out. Turns out it's a super cool language, P.S.

#2 - Chain of Command, Parts I & II

Captain Picard steps down as captain of the Enterprise and goes on a super secret black ops mission. Um, do I really have to say anymore? Maybe that he gets captured and tortured by Russians! I mean...Cardassians. (You see, they’re this alien race that the Federation is in a Cold War with. All similarities are coincidental, though.) It’s pretty interesting, though, ‘cause we rarely ever get to be reminded of the fact that Starfleet (not to mention the larger Federation Military) is about much more than flying around in starships. There must be ground troops, artillery, troop ships to ferry them all from planet to planet, special forces, in short, just about everything we have. I mean, surely they’re at least kinda prepared to defend themselves against an all-out invasion, right?

#1 – The Inner Light + Lessons

"The Inner Light" is the best episode ever. Seriously. Picard gets probed by this satellite thing and it takes over his brain and makes him live an entire lifetime in a matter of minutes. Throughout which time he teaches himself to play the flute in his free time. When he dies in that life, he wakes up and he's back as Captain Picard of the Enterprise. The satellite shuts down and the only thing the crew can find inside is a small box containing the very flute Picard dreamed about playing.

What a fantastic idea to explore the effects that such an experience might have on a person, which the series does in subsequent episodes. One of those is "Lessons," which isn't as good in itself, but it builds on "The Inner Light." Picard falls in love for reals, sharing his second lifetime and flute with someone for the first time, leading to this poignant scene:

Later, he has to make the decision to sacrifice her in the name of the greater good. It's rough. Fantastic television.

Next up: Star Trek: Voyager: Reinventing the Wheel