Thursday, September 1, 2011

Star Wars: Special Special Special Editions

We all remember when in 1997, to build momentum for the upcoming 1999 release of Star Wars: Episode I George Lucas revisited the Original Trilogy, altering and adding certain things he wasn't happy with in the theatrical versions. Using "state of the art" CGI technology, some of the changes Lucas made were arguably justifiable. Most weren't. Most were horrible wastes of time, money, and energy that bastardized characters (I'm looking at you, Greedo shooting first), ruined pacing, and only served to further date the rest of the film by juxtaposing it with "cutting edge" CGI.

Then, in 2004, when it came time to release the Original Trilogy in a definitive DVD boxed set, Lucas did it again. I'm really not sure if shut up in Skywalker Ranch he's completely deaf to the complaints of the vast majority of Star Wars fans, or if he's just so effing pompous and self-absorbed he doesn't care, but somehow, somehow, he thought this would be a good idea:

It still makes me want to vomit. You know, it's not even worth talking about why that's so stupid.

Well, it's time to release the Trilogy on Blu-Ray, and, big surprise, he's at it again:

Yes, now they have eyes. 'Cause that's not creepy at all. I mean, if anything, Lucas has convinced the world he can work miracles as a filmmaker. He can make the Ewoks worse. But wait, there's more...

It's baffling, really. Why change the noise Obi-Wan makes? Why? I demand an explanation. Alright, I've saved the best for last. So, in Episode III, the Darth Vader suit finally gets donned, and the first thing the newly-minted Dark Lord does is ask about his girlfriend? Yeah, the one he seriously flipped out on and choke threw across a room like 5 minutes before? Then, finding out about her death, he yells, "Nooooo!" and it's kind of the worst moment in cinematic history? Well, be prepared to get reacquainted with the chronic diarrhea you suffered for weeks after...

The circle is now complete.

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