William Shatner's Queen Cover

In case you weren't aware, somebody convinced Shatner to do a spoken word cover album. And, because no cover album is complete these days without "Bohemian Rhapsody":

Apparently brought to by and for stoners. I wonder if this falls in the "laughing with" or "laughing at" category. Hard to tell.

Star Trek (2009) Review

So, some of you have very kindly requested that I continue posting about Star Trek. Well, the next couple of posts I planned on the subject were going to be reviews of the latest in the Trek film series, J.J. Abrams' fantastic 2009 installment.

Unfortunately, RedLetterMedia did all my work for me and there's very little to add. If I think of something, though, I'll post it. For now, enjoy their comprehensive and thought-provoking review that ends up dealing with some very important issues in film.

Top 10 Reasons Picard Is Better Than Kirk

A friend made a good point when he said that the things which make Kirk awesome and the things which make Picard awesome, while completely different (and often opposed to one another) are equally valid. That being said, I thought the following list would be a good way to cap off this long series of Trek-related posts:

#10. He doesn't bang everything, thus avoiding space STD's.

#9. Picard solves crime mysteries in his spare time. Kirk couldn't if he tried.

#8. He's not a foolhardy idiot, never leaping into action and risking Red Shirts' lives in the process.

#7. He has a lovely singing voice and can play the flute damn well.

#6. He's got principles and stuff like that, leading him to give awesome impassioned speeches on morality:

#5. Size matters.

#4. (This one's from the wife.) He doesn't feel the need to take off his shirt willy nilly, but when he does... Wow. Kirk, not so much.

#3. You can rub his head for good luck.

#2. He got assimilated and freaking came back from it!

#1. He's British. 'Nuff said.

That's the last Star Trek post for a while. I promise.

The Star Trek Civil War That Should Have Been, Part Two

When we left off, every eye in the Federation is on the Federation Council chambers where Captain Picard has showed up and given his account of the events in Star Trek: Insurrection. This launches a Federation-wide debate about whether the ends justify the means, about whether the Federation's interests as a whole outweigh those of its constituents. (Sound familiar?)

Out of nowhere, in the midst of the debate, a border planet gets attacked by some no-name alien race, and, in light of the raucous stirred up by Captain Picard's report, the Federation can't get its shit together in time to respond adequately. A bunch of people die before a neighboring planet can gets its own (non-Federation) ships there in time and the planet's governing body get together and decide to send a communiqué to Starfleet Headquarters on Earth announcing their secession. Thanks but no thanks.

Theoretically, every planet in the Federation is sovereign, but would that really hold up if it came down to it? For that matter, the Federation doesn't seem that inclined to follow its own rules lately. Say this border planet was home to some vast cache of resources the Federation couldn't survive long without.

All of a sudden, the issues from Insurrection, those which everybody in the Federation has had just enough time to come down on either side of, are of vast importance. To many, the prospect of a life without the Federation would be nigh unimaginable. How would they possibly be able to defend themselves against the Romulans, the Dominion, or the Borg?

On the other hand, the Federation was founded on a set of principles which many would never betray, no matter what the advantages, nearly primary among these being the sovereignty of its member-planets, and their rights to live according to their own systems of belief and conscience.

The battle lines drawn, it gets interesting to think about what could happen on board the Enterprise. Would everybody back Picard? Suppose in the intervening period Riker had been granted his own command. This ended up happening at the beginning of Star Trek: Nemesis, the movie that actually got made. Riker had turned down his own ship a number of times throughout the series, believing he could make a bigger difference as second-in-command on the Federation's flagship than as captain of some research vessel. He turned out to be right, and finally Starfleet offered him command of the newly-commissioned and state-of-the-art USS Titan.

Probably, like Robert E. Lee, the Federation would try to win Captain Picard over by offering him the top spot, which he would immediately turn down and take up the position in the Secessionist camp, bringing the Enterprise with him. Undoubtedly, he would be kind enough to offer safe transport to all those aboard when the decision was made.

The question is, where would Riker fall? I think, most likely, he would side with the Secessionists. There is the fact that he's spent his entire career living in Picard's shadow, and might not want to continue to do so. Especially considering the Federation might consider givnig him the Fleet Admiralship if he asked for it. He was always a good guy, though, and never resented Picard. The question is, then, when would he pick a side?

My guess is he would waver between one choice and the next as long as he could, siding with the Federation early on. Probably, though, the Federation would want to launch a swift attack on the first planet to secede in an attempt to persuade others not to follow suit. Inevitably, they would react too strongly, though, throwing the planet's leaders in prison as war criminals at least, if not executing them. Riker would witness this and realize the Federation actually has gone off the deep end.

Counselor Troi would, of course, do whatever her husband did, but I bet her planet wouldn't. Worf would, and would himself captain the USS Defiant on Picard's wing. Geordi would, and Picard would surely give him his own command as well. Dr. Crusher would probably side with the Loyalists. If only because it's more interesting, and would give her character something to do, which is rare. The real question mark is Data. You always think you've got Data figured out, and then he surprises you. I'm not sure what Data would do.

Of course, the other cool thing is that this would all happen after Voyager made it back to Earth. My money would be on Janeway siding with the Federation. If not here, then definitely Chakotay, and certainly Tuvok. After all, "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one." The Doctor probably would too, but I'm not sure. Seven of Nine wouldn't. Neither would B'Elanna. I would bet neither Harry Kim nor Tom would either.

Then you've got to think about what the all the different aliens would do. The first thing to realize is that in the last episode of Voyager, Janeway destroyed one of the Borg's trans-warp hubs, making super-fast transport to the Alpha Quadrant impossible. That being said, even though they're probably a 10 year journey away, the Borg have a retaliatory armada on the way. Probably the Klingons would side with the Secessionists. Or maybe they would split themselves.

The Cardassians would side with whoever looked stronger, but they would probably only offer economic and moral support, coming out of a long war themselves. The Romulans would be smarter and wait out the war, seizing the opportunity after it was over to slaughter the weakened winner, though Picard would make every effort to persuade them to support his side. A big selling point would be that, like Tuvok, the Vulcans would all be Loyalists, so they'd probably help out some under the table.

It's fantastic, see? You get to slice up the universe and make them wage war on one another. You mix things up with Voyager crew on Riker's ship and the like. It's great. Plus, there's at least 2 movies there. If not a trilogy.

It's definitely too late to do it now. They should stick with J.J. Abram's awesome new Trek-verse. I'm just saying, the awfulness that is Nemesis didn't have to happen.

The Star Trek Civil War That Should Have Been, Part One

As it came time for Star Trek: The Next Generation to end its run on television, it became clear that there was a market for a new Trek movie featuring the new cast. The writers got together and produced two feature-length scripts. One served as the series finale "All Good Things..." and the other became Star Trek: Generations, and featured Captain Kirk fairly heavily in a "pass the torch" kind of apperance:

Here the two Enterprise captains can be seen making breakfast together. No joke. That happened. But it was fine, I promise. At any rate, Generations was good. Not great, but solid. Kirk dies in it. That happens. Twice actually. Both scenes are fantastic. Top-notch stuff. Befitting Kirk's legacy.

So, Generations does pretty well at the Box Office, netting over $81 million, enough that Paramount wants to do another one. With the torch passed, the obvious choice for the next movie is to revisit Next Gen's most fearsome enemy, the Borg. There were some loose ends to tie up with the whole Picard being assimilated thing. Throw some time travel in there. Always a good combination. Long story short, Star Trek: First Contact is good. Second only to J.J. Abrams' Star Trek, I'd say, which isn't really even a fair comparison in a lot of ways. You should see it:

Told ya. After the success of Generations, the studio felt confident enough to give First Contact a bigger budget, and it paid off, netting over $100 million.

What next? Well, they decided to tone it down a bit for the next movie, opting for something much smaller in scale, much closer to something like an extended episode, and we got Star Trek: Insurrection. It's good. Better than Generations was. More importantly, however, it was called "Insurrection."

Almost unthinkably, Star Trek went completely against its heritage and had Starfleet officers go against the orders of their superiors and take a moral stand. Turns out that, not just some admiral, but the entire Federation council has decided to ignore the rights of a small group of people and re-locate them Trail of Tears-style so everybody in the Federation can have eternal youth. Picard and the rest of the crew don't stand for it and rise up against Starfleet.

So the people in question inhabit a planet in the middle of nowhere, so we don't get an all-out war or anything, and it's very, very disappointing. Consider the following speech by the movie's main villain (played by F. Murray Abraham):

Think about the situation that's been set up at the end of this movie: "The Federation is old." It's beginning to disobey its own rules and finds itself mired in endless bureaucracy. Its flagship captains are being forced to lead all out revolts against their superiors, and their crew are participating without even raising an eyebrow. To borrow an analogy from an episode entitled "The Chase," the Federation has become a corrupt and "bloated empire," overstepping its bounds at every turn, barely able to keep the barbarians from pushing past its legions and sacking the capital (as nearly happened in First Contact).

After Insurrection's mediocre box office performance, it was clear some "new life" needed to be injected into the franchise. Insurrection was about aging, the young rising up to replace the old, and putting the principles of nature before those of technological advancement, which is another way of saying putting justice before utility. This is the perfect set up to do what Marvel Comics did when their universe needed a shake-up: start a Civil War. All the building blocks are there:

An important and influential Captain willing to go rogue in defense of his principles; a loose confederation of (in this case) planets, who will be more than happy to split into factions should they feel their corporate government is too big and slow to protect them from threats, exterior and interior; a hot button issue to push everybody further into their own corners and lessen the likelihood of a compromise being made before somebody overreacts.

The stage is set. Next up: what should have come next.

The Starship Enterprise

We've touched on this issue before, but it seems to me the clearest, most obvious way in which a particular incarnation of Star Trek demonstrates its character is via its ship (or lack thereof).

Kirk's Enterprise meant business:

It was light, fast, and just looked like it packed a punch. I think it's that sort of industrial quality, much like a navy vessel. An even better comparison might be a submarine, which, after all, is what Trek starships are at heart. This ship was suited perfectly to The Original Series. You get the sense that Starfleet is really just a fledgling organization trying to establish a foothold in the galaxy, yet one with determination and firepower. Things aren't perfect yet, but they have potential, if only Kirk and other adventurers like him can build Starfleet into a real force for change.

The ship underwent a major refit for The Motion Picture which built on the principles established by its predecessor:

The Enterprise got slightly bigger, all the elements thickening up a bit to make it look a little sturdier. It looks tougher and more impressive. By this time Starfleet has carved out a niche for itself. It is expanding by leaps and bounds, and other races like the Klingons are being forced to realize they must take the Federation seriously.

Follow this line of development for 70 years or so and you end up with Picard's Enterprise-D:

Picard commands his Enterprise at the height of the Federation's power and technology. It is massive, over 2000ft. long and incorporates the best Starfleet has to offer at every turn. It's like a luxury liner compared to Kirk's Enterprise and even has massive quarters where crewmen can house their families. It can still move and kick butt, though. In fact, to a much, much greater degree than Kirk's ever could, but it's not meant to. It's meant to inspire awe as it patrols the provinces.

Compare the development of the U.S. Navy submarine from the 40s 'til today:

Then - An emerging political power.

Now - A bloated economic empire.

The second Next Gen movie Star Trek: First Contact unveiled the Enterprise-E:

One of the first ships to be developed after the introduction of the Borg threat, the E looks like it's ready for war. Bigger even than the D, it's long, lean, and mean. Everything got stretched out so that it looks like it's moving fast standing still. The engines just keep on going. Like before with the original Enterprise refit, everything has been tightened up and brought in closer to make it seem stronger. I’m just saying. It looks like it might just flip its shit and totally tear you a new one at any moment.

Let's compare the two bridges:

The Enterprise-D bridge is plush and arty. It's designed for negotiating and research and other B.S. The Enterprise-E bridge on the other hand...

...is designed for battle.

Next up: the Trek Civil War that should have been.

The Top Ten Star Trek: Voyager Episodes Everyone Should See

At long last I present the actual list of Voyager episodes that will blow your mind. Or at least impress you. You might like them, I guess.

Honorable Mention - Fury

So, Kes... Yikes. Basically, she's the Wesley Crusher of Voyager. Except without the redeeming sweaters. She doesn't do anything but be young and naive and optimistic. There's really no depth at all. Interestingly, though, almost 3 years after leaving the show at the beginning of Season 4, she shows up again without warning. And because her species only lives 9 years, she's super old. Oh, and she's super pissed:

Honorable Mention - Homestead

I've said before that Janeway was a successful captain by running her ship like a family. Part of that meant picking up a few strays who needed a home along the way. One of those was the Talaxian Neelix, who became the ship's cook and later ambassador. In his role as morale officer, early on Neelix made it his personal mission to cure Security Chief Tuvok of his emotionless, Vulcan-y ways, and bothering him severely in the process. Part of this meant getting Tuvok to dance. A few episodes before the Season Finale, Voyager came across a stray colony inhabited by some of Neelix's people, and he decides to stay with them rather than continue the journey toward Earth:

#10 - Someone to Watch Over Me

When Voyager got pulled into the Delta Quadrant, the ship's original doctor died. As such, the newly-invented holographic backup doctor had to take over. Over the years, he goes through a kind of Data-like transition from mere machine (or in this case, computer program) to close to human, and ends up being one of the best and most important parts of the show. One of the big steps in that process was the Doctor's unrequited love for Seven of Nine, which he discovers when he offers his help to the former Borg in honing her social skills:

#9 - Future's End + Relativity

Those infamous Voyager time travel episodes. These are really good, though. In the first, Voyager gets conveniently thrown back to the precise time they happened to be filming that episode. Then they beam down to L.A. The budget's not that big, guys. Sarah Silverman and Ed Begley Jr. costar. The latter plays a Bill Gates-like computer mogul who it turns out has been "inventing" revolutionary new computer technology be stealing it from a crashed Starfleet shuttle from the 29th-century he happened upon while hiking on some hippie vision quest in the 60s. At any rate, that shuttle from from the USS Relativity, which shows up again in a later episode and recruits Seven of Nine's help in changing history for the better. Just solid time travel stuff really.

#8 - Timeless

This was supposed to be Voyager's "City on the Edge of Forever," which is like, the classic episode of The Original Series. It is really good. It has problems, though. The main one being it features Harry Kim and Chakotay's bad acting and shallow characters waaay too prominently. That being said, what a fantastic episode opener:

#7 - Living Witness

Admittedly, the alternate-reality-where-everyone-is-evil deal has been done before. It's still cool, though. This episode features kind of an interesting twist on that idea. Mainly, though, you just get to see everybody go bad:

#6 - Equinox

Of all things, Voyager stumbles upon another Starfleet ship. It's only a small science vessel, though, with a skeleton crew. Turns out they haven't held themselves to as high a standard as Janeway and her crew, who come face-to-face with what they might have resorted to had they not been so lucky.

#5 - Real Life

One of the big steps in that process was when he decided he should have a family. So he makes himself a holographic one. At first, he designs them to be the perfect, Normal Rockwell family. When the Klingon Engineer meets them, she informs him that real people don't get to pick their family, and he agrees to let her tweak the program for more realism. Turns out she does too good a job, and the Doctor has to say goodbye to someone dear.

#4 - The Killing Game + Flesh and Blood

In "The Killing Game," a group of hunter aliens commandeer Voyager and begin using the holodecks to simulate new and interesting environments in which to repeatedly kill the mind-controlled crew. The majority of the episode takes place in World War II-era France, the crew believing they're part of the Resistance, which is a neat change. Of course, Janeway finds a way cut a deal with the aliens and they take the holodeck technology for themselves. A couple of seasons go by and it turns out things didn't work out so well for them. They built a giant holodeck, but the made the hologram prey too smart and they've revolted, stolen a ship, and embarked on a killing spree.

#3 - Endgame

Like Next Gen, one of the big reasons I consider Voyager as a series successful is that it went out well. Besides wrapping it up before it started to go downhill Seinfeld-style, it ended on a big high note with Endgame. Fantastically, the episode opens with Voyager returning home. In a weird twist, it's actually old footage being played on the tenth anniversary of their return, which took 16 more years after the previous episode, suffering gradual losses the whole way. Turns out the aging Admiral Janeway has hatched a plan to travel back in time and bring Voyager home sooner.

#2 - Scorpion

Way back in early Next Gen, when they introduced the Borg, we knew they originated in the Delta Quadrant. When Voyager got thrown there it was only a matter of time before they ran into them and would be forced to traverse Borg Space. This giant season-straddling two-parter is really when Voyager came into its own, as a ship and a show:

#1 - Year of Hell

So, the best episode of Voyager. Guest starring the dad from That 70s Show, who's great by the way. Basically, "Year of Hell" is just Voyager at its best. It's rough and tumble, in fact, it never gets any worse for Janeway and her crew, and that's why it's so good. Everybody (especially Janeway) gets to show off their badassery skills. The episodes cover an entire year of Voyager squaring off against an alien species with temporal weapons, who kidnap Paris and Chakotay. The Doctor has a near breakdown from having to sacrifice two crewmen for the greater good. Janeway gets 3rd-degree burns over 60 percent of her body that the Doctor can't completely repair because systems are so badly damaged. Tuvok goes blind from an explosion saving Seven of Nine. Most of the ship gets straight up destroyed, and they can't keep ahead of the attacks. That's the thing about Voyager, though, as bad as it gets, it's the fact that the crew is a family that gets them through it. That's just about the only thing that's kept everything going this long, and this far from home. (Sorry about the imperfection at the beginning. I don't know what that's about.)

Next up in the Star Trek series: A look at the Starship Enterprise.

Star Trek: Voyager, Reinventing The Wheel

Looking to capitalize on the resounding success of Star Trek: The Next Generation, in the middle of that show’s fifth season, Paramount asked the producers to begin work on a second series to run simultaneously—what was to become Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. As different from Next Gen as it was, the two did well running side-by-side. The experiment having paid off, when in 1993 Next Gen was due to go off the air, Paramount decided to begin production of a fourth series to replace it. Soon after the writers began to weave elements of the Voyager background story into both Next Gen and DS9.

It was important that the creators of this new Trek series set it on a ship again. Many fans had complained that DS9 betrayed the spirit of The Original Series by being set on an immobile space station. After all, Trek has always been about jumping from planet to planet once a week, exploring the unknown. Of course, even if the new series was set on a ship again, it still wasn't really possible to return to this older model. Next Generation and Deep Space Nine had so thoroughly explored the goings on in the Federation (down to Episode I-esque trade disputes, etc. in DS9) that you couldn't really do a plain old Federation ship and it be anything but more of the same. It's that "Roman centurion patrolling the provinces" feeling we've talked about before.

So, what do you do? You throw a Federation ship on its maiden voyage half way across the galaxy into completely unknown territory. Suddenly it's a lot like The Original Series (or early TNG) again, though drawing on the best of Next Gen and DS9 as well. There was a lot about Voyager that was original, though. Captain Janeway, for instance, was a completely different kind of captain than we had seen before. Besides being a woman, where Kirk had been a warrior, and Picard a scholar, Janeway is a scientist. As a result, she takes a far more active role in the day-to-day operations on the ship. When she gives an order, she doesn't sit by like she's royalty and wait for everybody else to do it, she gets down and dirty too. Over time this makes her less like a military or political leader and more like a mother. I'm not saying this is better or worse than the way Kirk or Picard captained their vessels, but it ends up working.

Having been thrown halfway across the galaxy, you'd think the writers would be able to come up with some cool villains we've never seen before for Voyager to take on. Some of the new alien species turned out to be pretty awesome actually. Like the Hirogen, the nomadic hunter species, and the Vidians, who suffer from a horrifyingly debilitating disease and have resorted to stealing the body parts of those they capture to survive. For every really inventive alien like those, though, there's a Kazon to balance it out. The Kazon were the first Delta Quadrant species Voyager encountered, and they were pretty much just a rehash of TOS-era Klingons. It's just laziness, really.

Also, the show was super 90s. There were far too many characters included just to be 90s about it. "Ooh, let's have a woman captain. Ooh, let's have a black Vulcan. Ooh, let's have a female Klingon. Ooh, let's have an Indian on board." Excuse me, Native American. Lord, they played that card waaay too many times. You start to get really sick of vision quests about halfway through Season 2. That's not to say these characters didn't grow and mature into actual people as the show progressed, but early on, they're just hollow shells of affirmative action.

Something that really bugs me about Voyager was how much time travel there was. In Next Gen time travel episodes were really rare. You got really excited when they came around because you knew this was gonna be a cool one. They're like a dime a dozen in Voyager, and familiarity breeds contempt. (Same thing with Vulcan mind melds, by the way.)

One of the things Voyager did really well was to incorporate a lot of the serialization aspects from Deep Space Nine while still remaining a largely episodic show, which is at the heart of Trek. What you end up with is more overarching character development from episode to episode than Next Gen could achieve, but without being so obvious about it like DS9 was. From what I understand that was pretty much a soap opera sometimes.

Later in the series, rather than actually carrying over plot points from episode to episode, a couple of times something that was seemingly resolved in an earlier episode (sometimes even seasons previously) comes back to bite the crew of Voyager. The best example of this is an episode entitled “Course: Oblivion.” Early in the episode the crew is gathered in Engineering to inaugurate the new slipstream drive they have developed. Soon they begin to notice that the new engine is causing the crew to come down with some awful side effects. Basically, it’s making them dissolve. Over the course of the episode, they realize that they are not, in fact, the real Voyager crew at all. They are the duplicate crew that was created in an earlier episode entitled “Demon.” It seems they built themselves a duplicate Voyager and somehow forgot who they really were. In the end, they cannot stop the process and dissolve completely before help can arrive—help from the real Voyager, who never discovers that they exist. Which is also a bummer because they could have used that slipstream technology the fake crew developed.

Another good example is “Flesh and Blood,” which revisits what happened when Janeway gave the Hirogen holographic technology so that they could hunt simulated prey. Didn’t turn out so well. There are lots of these sort of “tie-in” episodes. I like them because they aren’t straight serializations (so it doesn’t turn into a soap opera like DS9 or Lost), but they lend the show a certain cohesiveness across seasons—they show that the actions of the Voyager crew have consequences. A lot of times in Next Gen, the Enterprise left orbit and whatever huge problem they had to solve was never mentioned again, which doesn’t seem realistic.

Voyager was a series that started out as a poorly-executed show with fantastic potential. Over time, much of this potential began to be realized. I have a theory that Voyager's quality is directly related to Captain Janeway's hair style. Over the course of the show it went from this...

...where they're obviously trying to make her look mannish so we'll buy her as captain, to this...

...where they've finally realized that it's her very femininity which makes her successful, albeit in a completely different way from Kirk or Picard, but successful nevertheless.

Of course, there was one other change that went along with Janeway's hair. This...

...to this...

You decide.

All in all, the show was never perfect, but there are times when you really are on the edge of your seat, when you just have to be like "Whoa, that's pretty awesome," and when you actually care about these people trapped on a tiny ship all alone 60 years from home.

Up next: The Actual List of the Top Ten Star Trek: Voyager Episodes

Top Ten Next Gen

In the spirit of recognizing the solid storytelling in Star Trek: The Next Generation, what follows is a list of the 10 episodes everyone should see before they die.

#10 - The Drumhead

Speaking of preachy... This episode epitomizes one of the major elements of the entire show—Picard taking a stand on moral issues in the face of a corrupt bureaucracy. In the later seasons, there’s always this tension in Picard, between the liberal ideas he's adopted as a Starfleet captain and the Traditional values he was brought up with...in France...even though he has a British accent. They don’t ever explain that. Or how such a conservative family could still be around in such an “advanced” society. Anyway.

#9 - The Nth Degree

I know what you’re thinking...

The ninth best Next Generation episode came first.

By far one of the best things about the later seasons of Next Gen was Lieutenant Barclay. Nervous, neurotic, and accident prone make for good ingredients in a lovable character. Wait... Shouldn’t Roddenberry’s "perfect" society have done away with these qualities by genetic engineering and selective breeding? Anyway, in this episode, Barclay accidentally makes himself the smartest, most charismatic person alive.

#8 - Masks

Captain Picard could have been an archaeologist. In this episode, he gets to show off his mad skills. Throughout the course of the ship this alien device gradually converts the Enterprise into a replica of the civilization that built it, including Data. As a result, Brent Spiner gets to play multiple characters, which he does really well (and which happens quite a bit actually, now that I think about it).

#7 - Elementary, Dear Data + Ship in a Bottle

These two episodes (the first from Season Two and the second from Season Six) are basically two halves of the same story. Data and Geordi are messing around on the Holodeck in Season Two, playing Sherlock Holmes, and the computer accidentally creates a holographic version of Holmes' archvillain Moriarty self-aware. Trouble ensues. Just really clever stuff, and a fine adaptation of Holmes to boot.

#6 - The Best of Both Worlds, Parts I & II

By far the most important contribution Next Gen made to the Star Trek universe (aside from the badass-ness that is Captain Picard and Data) was the Borg. A hive mind of cybernetic drones bent on galactic domination. They’re pretty much zombies. Except, if the zombies were super strong cyborgs linked to a central computer that can tell them exactly where you are and how to kill you, based on the knowledge its accumulated over several millenia of turning trillions of other people into zombies. In this season-straddling two-parter, they manage to zombify Captain Picard. How do you defend against an enemy which has just obtained all the knowledge of one of your foremost military commanders?

So, my dad made a good point. It’s a cliffhanger, right? Check it out:

...and that’s it. My dad said that was the only time he checked the TV Guide every week all Summer.

#5 - Cause and Effect

Always in Star Trek (that is, until the travesty that was Star Trek: Enterprise) the coolest episodes involve time travel. They rarely hold up logically, but they're awesome just the same. In this episode the Enterprise gets caught in a time loop. ...Also, Frasier Crane makes a cameo appearance.

#4 - All Good Things...

Isn’t it the worst when good shows just kind of fizzle away, or jump the shark and end on a low note? Thankfully, Next Gen wasn't one of those. Its finale really satisfied. Picard finally sat down at the poker table with the rest of the guys. Plus, it involved time travel.

#3 - Darmok

Now this is just a really, really good episode. One of Trek's biggest cop outs has always been the Universal Translator. Basically it makes everybody speak English. Which is dumb. I mean, even if it like overrided the communications system and simulated them speaking in English over the speakers, they should still be mouthing in their language, right? Anyway, in this episode, it stops working—rather, it can't translate these guys' language. So they've gotta figure it out. Turns out it's a super cool language, P.S.

#2 - Chain of Command, Parts I & II

Captain Picard steps down as captain of the Enterprise and goes on a super secret black ops mission. Um, do I really have to say anymore? Maybe that he gets captured and tortured by Russians! I mean...Cardassians. (You see, they’re this alien race that the Federation is in a Cold War with. All similarities are coincidental, though.) It’s pretty interesting, though, ‘cause we rarely ever get to be reminded of the fact that Starfleet (not to mention the larger Federation Military) is about much more than flying around in starships. There must be ground troops, artillery, troop ships to ferry them all from planet to planet, special forces, in short, just about everything we have. I mean, surely they’re at least kinda prepared to defend themselves against an all-out invasion, right?

#1 – The Inner Light + Lessons

"The Inner Light" is the best episode ever. Seriously. Picard gets probed by this satellite thing and it takes over his brain and makes him live an entire lifetime in a matter of minutes. Throughout which time he teaches himself to play the flute in his free time. When he dies in that life, he wakes up and he's back as Captain Picard of the Enterprise. The satellite shuts down and the only thing the crew can find inside is a small box containing the very flute Picard dreamed about playing.

What a fantastic idea to explore the effects that such an experience might have on a person, which the series does in subsequent episodes. One of those is "Lessons," which isn't as good in itself, but it builds on "The Inner Light." Picard falls in love for reals, sharing his second lifetime and flute with someone for the first time, leading to this poignant scene:

Later, he has to make the decision to sacrifice her in the name of the greater good. It's rough. Fantastic television.

Next up: Star Trek: Voyager: Reinventing the Wheel

I Don't Think Anybody'll Ever Top This

Just couldn't help reposting this one.

Reality Trek

Once, a very long time ago, there was an amazingly inventive storyteller named Gene Roddenberry.

Gene was also an unabashed Progressivist.

That means he thought that Mankind (though he wouldn’t have called it that) is pre-determined to follow an evolutionary path of gradual progressive development, and that one day, we will “grow out of” war, poverty, and everything icky. We’ll get so smart that we’ll be able to solve all our own problems. (Of course, part of this “growing up” process will be realizing that God and Original Sin are silly superstitions and that Liberalism and Socialism have always been the way to go. You might also have noticed that there’s a healthy dose of Materialism mixed in there, so that our souls can evolve along with our bodies.)

Anyway, in 1964 Gene invented something called Star Trek.

Ta da!

Also, it was the 60s...

The effects were bad...

Did I mention the effects were bad?

The characters were hollow. The writing was obvious and preachy. It was clearly a platform for Roddenberry to tout his philosophical, sociological, and political agenda. As such, Star Trek's vision of the future was generally pretty short-sighted. I suppose we should cut him some slack, though. After all, it was the 60s...

I’m being too harsh. The Original Series has a lot of redeeming qualities. There must have been something there, or it couldn’t have launched a franchise which has lasted nearly 50 years! The Original Series should be discussed, absolutely. But not here. And not by me.

Due to the aforementioned 60s-ish quality of The Original Series (not to mention the unavoidable continuity issues involved in a 20-year span between it and The Next Generation), it is fitting, I think, to recognize two Trek canons: one including Kirk, Spock, etc. and their escapades, and another including everything else (i.e., The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and movies VII-X (or VII-IX if, like me, you think Star Trek: Nemesis was a huge waste of time. Remind me to go into that another time.)

Of course, now we’ve got a third canon (the best one) drummed up by the 2009 J.J. Abrams reboot, but that’ll also have to wait.

On 28 September 1987, Star Trek: The Next Generation premiered, ushering in a new era for the franchise. Next Gen didn’t exactly come out of nowhere. It followed right on the heels of the enormously successful (and actually really good) Trek movie “trilogy”: The Wrath of Khan, The Search for Spock, and The Voyage Home (a.k.a. movies II-IV).

Nevertheless, The Next Generation breathed new life into Trek like nothing else could. After 20 years, Star Trek was back on television, which was where it belonged. Roddenberry had originally billed Trek as “‘Wagon Train’ to the stars.”  It was supposed to be an episodic, romp-roaring, let’s go find new junk to almost get killed by (and I suppose find a way to get along with in the end). Given the freedom, a budget, and some new production technology, finally, Star Trek's take on science fiction could be realized. There was only one problem. It was the 80s...

Did I mention it was the 80s?

But, the fundamentals were there, and, more importantly, Next Gen (inadvertently) fought against its inheritance (of both The Original Series and the 80s).

At the end of Season One, Tasha Yar, Head of Security=dead...

Her death really was kind of a bummer at the time. Her death was totally meaningless. It was this Armus guy...

So, he’s like a sentient puddle of oil or something that incarnates pure evil and he bitch slaps Tasha to make an example of her and she dies before she hits the ground. That’s it. Goodbye. Crusher doesn’t even try to save her. Anyway, it turned out to be pretty awesome, though, ‘cause with her went one of the 80s-est elements of the show. That whole character was really poorly conceived. She was pretty much just a personification of Women’s Liberation. That should be clear from the hair alone really.

So Tasha was replaced as Head of Security/Tactical Officer by Mr. Worf, resident Klingon (a much more sensible choice for the position, obviously)...

Just look at all those forehead ridges! He must mean business.

Worf angry!

Season Three introduced new uniforms, with an all-new 90s cut...

Before:

After:

See how the collar got higher and more militaristic? Improvement.

Deanna's hair grew less permy as the seasons progressed, and in Season Six she finally abandoned the 80s catsuit...

...and put on an actual uniform. Look what she had evolved into by the time the movies came around.

It's kind of like she's an actual officer in the military or something. Crazy.

Oh, and they got that damned kid off the bridge. What the balls were you thinking Picard? This is freaking Starfleet!

Look at him. Look how dumb he is. Jesus. And the sweaters! He wants to be Bill Cosby.

At the beginning, Next Gen was even worse than The Original Series on the obviously-has-an-agenda-front. Picard never blew anything up, not even as a last resort. It was all talking and “there’s got to be another way.” Just look at the ships! Kirk’s Enterprise had been a tight, fast little boat with big guns.

Picard’s ship was big, bulbous, and, though actually significantly faster than the old ship, the new Enterprise looked like it might need a HoverRound to make it to the fridge.

If you listen really carefully you might be able to hear it farting.

Oh, and it carried families! Are you kidding me? Seriously? I mean, I get that Starfleet isn’t exactly the Federation Military, but it serves that function if it has to. That’s just irresponsible. Yeah, I wonder how many kids they killed when it crash landed at the end of the first Next Gen movie. Anyway. It’s all about that Roddenberry-esque optimism, I guess. Retarded.

But I said that Next Gen fought against its inheritance. Quite. Next Gen redid the Klingons (replete with forehead ridges, as we saw). Also they were a culture this time, not just hand-me-down Mongols. Next Gen paid a lot more attention to the “science” part of “science fiction”; i.e., it kinda started to make sense. Kinda. More importantly, the stories became compelling, not to mention their effect on the characters, which, as a result, became compelling in themselves over time. Of course, it's Star Trek, so the dialogue was still pretty preachy a lot of the time, but hey.

So you may have realized I'm of the opinion that Star Trek: The Next Generation was at its best when it (accidentally or otherwise) left behind Roddenberry’s progressive B.S. and made a realistic story about realistic characters with realistic conflicts (internal or external). You see, the universe has to be dangerous, and humans have to be imperfect. That’s what makes it compelling—it’s reality (given the premise that humans could travel through space faster than the speed of light and encounter alien species).

What's real is that humans never really change. We're still the same complicated, flawed, sinful, even brutal creatures we were 20,000 years ago. Just because we know more about stuff and how it works doesn't make us better people. Besides, otherwise, what’s there to tell? One time a ship called the Enterprise flew around and scanned a nebula? Isn’t it better when the Klingons (a.k.a. humanity’s violent, savage tendencies) de-cloak and wage battle to the death against Captain Kirk and his “enterprising” crew (who embody the virtues of courage, wonder at the beauty of the universe around them, peace, community, justice, and a desire for wisdom)?

Stay tuned for the next post in this series: the Top Ten Next Gen episodes.